Gem Catalogue
by Professor Wolfsbane
Summary: The Gems find one particular catalogue, accidentally delivered to them, to be both horrifying and hilarious. Written January 2018. Cross-posted from A03.


" **Hey guys.** "  
The gems looked up as the screen door opened, and Connie walked in, dropping her bag to the floor as she walked over to them.  
" **Hi Connie!** " Steven called happily from his position on Garnet's thigh.  
Pearl raised her head from the other thigh as Garnet raised a welcoming hand. " **Hello Connie. Have you had a nice week?** "  
Connie nodded. " **Yep. Well, as nice a school could ever be anyway.** "  
A small purple tinged cat on Pearl's chest stretched and yawned. " **Hey Connie...** "  
Connie giggled, used to the shapeshifting quartz. " **Hey Amethyst.** "  
" **What's that in your hand?** " Steven asked, putting down his book.  
Connie glanced down and lifted the papers up. " **I bumped into Jamie on the boardwalk, and asked if I could bring your mail, save him a trip. I signed for them.** "  
Pearl smiled as Connie handed the letters over to Steven. " **Thank you, Connie.** "

Steven glanced through the collection of mail as Connie took a seat near Garnet's outstretched leg, the only clear spot remaining on the couch. " **Ooh, hey. What's this?** " He held out a rolled bundle of papers with a pair of rubber bands at each end.  
Connie glanced over. " **That's junk mail.** "  
Amethyst looked up. " **If it's junk, it's mine.** "  
Connie grinned. " **No. Junk like... unimportant. Catalogues, pamphlets, reminders of community things, stuff like that. Things you pretty much just flip through, keep the interesting ones, and throw out the rest. Into the recycling, of course.** "  
Amethyst flopped back down. " **Sounds boring.** "  
Connie shrugged. " **Yeah, it's usually just about sales that kids can't afford to go to anyway. I can't believe you've never gotten junk mail before.** "  
Steven yelped as he removed the rubber band and it snapped against his finger. " **Ouch!** " he muttered, sucking on it briefly.

" **TOYS!** " Steven exclaimed as he unrolled the bundle of catalogues and saw the first one. Grabbing it, he scooted back up on Garnet's lap and started flipping through it, stopping only to ask Pearl for a pen.  
" **He's just going to circle everything...** " she breathed, and Garnet nodded with a smile.  
" **Highly likely.** "  
Pearl glanced over at the curling bundle and squealed, suddenly sitting up and snatching the one off the top with a gleam in her eyes. " **Ooh, electric drills!** "  
Amethyst shapeshifted into her usual form and hopped back onto the couch, glaring at Pearl with annoyance with being catapulted from her comfy spot, but her eyes spotted the next thin booklet. " **Ice-cream!** " She grabbed the page and scratched at it with her fingernail, but her face quickly fell. " **Awww. It's not even scratch-n-sniff...** "

Connie picked up the rest of the pile and started flipping through it. " **Maybe there's something here for you, Garnet.** " She got a couple of flips in before she paused, and her smile faded. " **Oh. Oh no...** "  
" **What is it, Connie?** "  
" **Something wrong?** " The Gems looked up, concerned.  
Connie quickly shoved the remaining catalogues behind her back. " **No! Uh, I mean... Crap. Okay.** " She took a deep breath and held it for a minute. " **I think I know why you don't usually get these catalogues.** "  
" **How come? These are great!** " Steven cried, pen in hand from circling the toys he wants.  
Connie glanced nervously around at the Gems. " **Um, well... you wouldn't like all of them.** "

Slowly, she brought the catalogues back out, and sighed again. " **We sometimes get these ones at my house. I didn't use to think anything of it, but since I've been hanging out with you guys, I've just been tossing them so mum doesn't get any ideas about buying anything.** "  
Pearl glanced over at Garnet, who just shrugged. " **I dunno either.** "  
Connie drew one of the catalogues out from the bundle and placed it on the table in front of them. " **Jewellery catalogues.** "

The hardware catalogue slipped from Pearl's fingers and fell to the floor.  
" **Dude, that is so not cool.** " Amethyst groaned as Garnet shuddered with disgust.  
Pearl clamped one hand over her mouth, and her hand shook as she reached out and picked it up with two fingers. " **I spent a thousand years of my life fighting, for this?!** " she muttered, frown darkening her face.

Looking at the front page properly, Pearl suddenly snorted. " **Hang on... These are all diamonds.** " Garnet and Amethyst leaned over, and Amethyst grinned. " **Holy crap, that's kinda funny.** "  
Garnet chuckled. " **Humans are so strange.** "  
Opening the catalogue, Pearl skimmed over the second and third pages. " **Rings, pendants, earrings... Ha! If they Diamond Authority could see this, they'd be horrified!** " she smirked. Turning the page, she froze, and a visible shudder rippled over her from.  
" **Okay, not so funny.** " She pointed at the headings on the page. " **Rubies, Sapphires and Pearls, artfully arranged with gold.** " she read out, disgust clear in her voice.  
Garnet paused too as Amethyst's grin fell. " **Damn, that's creepy.** "

Pearl looked at the description of one piece. " **Cultured Mabe Pearl with Diamonds enhancer.** " She paused and read over it again, her lips moving. " **Wait... Enhancer? Humans actually use...** " she stared blankly across the room for a moment.  
The others glanced at each other, slightly concerned, until a large grin slowly spread across her face, and Pearl suddenly toppled over into Amethyst's lap, laughing. " **They use... Diamonds... to make...** ** _Pearls_** **... look... better!** " she gasped out between bursts of laughter. " **The sheer irony!** "  
Garnet started chuckling as Amethyst quickly grabbed Pearl's shoulder to stop her rolling off of the couch into the floor.

Pulling the new crumpled catalogue from her hands and smoothing it out, Garnet looked over the page and grinned. " **They do it with Rubies too?!** " She leaned back, laughing, as Amethyst snatched the pages away and flipped them over.  
" **Amethysts, purple treasures, accented by diamonds!** " she squealed, letting go of Pearl who promptly slipped into the floor, still laughing. " **Humans are crazy!** "

Connie and Steven glanced at each other and shrugged.  
" **I guess it's more funny than creepy.** " Steven commented.  
Pearl opens one eye and struggled to control her laughter as she looked up at the two confused teens from her position on the floor. " **Oh no. It's still absolutely horrific. But the fact that this is the one planet where diamonds are used to make** ** _us_** **look better, when it's usually the other way around, makes those thousand years** ** _completely worth it._** "


End file.
